poem from your homegirl

loved you since I was eighteen
hot sticky eighteen
when i was forced ripe
growing still in green
body budding and shaping womanly
loved you since those summers i/eye remember vividly

back then we never held hands
eyes stayed on the movie screen

shared new music

until that time we kissed

then years later i sing....

 I played harlot 
I played spare
I played cool like the feeling wasn't there

I have to sing that song.... 
like I didn't have clue what a decent girl was
like I didn't want children and a home
like I didnt want a real live " us"

We now are too/two good friends
too/two wrapped up in sheets to pretend
 it's like we can't make anything other than our bodies work

now mid twenties and the feeling is too big
now I'm too mature to want to be "more than friends"
now I'm too messed up for you to take me.... seriously

when we sleep together why can't you hold me past the moans?
past the sweat and the fast pulse?

because I've loved you since I was eighteen
I should have just told you before but,

 I had to have those boyfriends and travel and go to parties and eat great food with terrible people
and perform on stages and hike through deserts and forget that you even existed

just so you could come back into my view again

 I see the man that you are now
changed and twisted into fiction

 you weren't like this before...

until that time we kissed
sometimes you're dead-ass wrong to me
sometimes you forget to be a friend to me
because you don't realize that we've been friends for just that long

but you've known me since I was green now I'm more than ripe
more than smiles and late nights

A woman who has carried her heart outside her body for you

I am a woman who desires our truth
So,
I will put my vanity aside to admit,
I'm not that young anymore
I'm much too old now to be just your "homegirl"